Her Essence

February 1st 2017 I watched you approach slowly, nerves shattered with shaking hands, tears in your eyes while you’re father held your arm, gracefully entwined with his own. Speaking words of love and pride I can only assume as you were given away from him (the man who loves you and played a major part in giving you life) to me. (a man who would give his own life to make sure no harm ever fell upon you).

I never imagined I would end up marrying the girl I had a crush on in high school. The idea of being able to come home every night to someone that makes me feel like nothing in the world matters when we are together seems unfair. “Truly blessed” defines the emotional surge of energy that runs ramped throughout my soul every time you look at me, damn those delicious brown eyes. The playful spirit harbored within you melts away at my stern core. The free feeling of laughter bellowing from within your voice, shatters the mask I carry on my face to fend off the world. Honey you have helped make me a better man in this life time, I’m grateful to the universe and the heavens for you

The journey came fully equipped with bumps and bruises as the “to be continued” phrase flashes upon the screen at the end of every episode. This is a life sentence, Yet im confident we can and will pull each other through the bad times to keep looking at the horizon for the happiness and love we both seek. Carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders and still pulling baggage making a life worth living. Mi amor the strength you hold within is worthy of praise. Allowing me to help with the loads, carry the luggage, push over and break down the walls. No small feat these were, having to Prove myself every step of the way, showing myself a man deserving of your time. Glad I did not disappoint.

Every time I open your door, pull out your chair, buy gifts, and write words of endearment. Its me telling you thank you for not just loving me (the new me and the old broken me) but allowing me to show you, real love does still exist. Good men still roam the earth, not on horse back with shiny plated armor and broad swords defending the weak or less fortunate but, standing firm with morals, values and a code of honor. These traits are within my DNA, as long as I draw breath I will love you Queen.

The journey we call marriage is not one for the faint of hearts, weak minded or easily swayed souls. Thank you for committing to this. Thank you for this year of listening, learning, changing, pushing and developing. Thank you for trying and making an effort to be the best wife you can at this point in time.

Happy Anniversary Queen.

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Act 3

I was born from lovers. Raised in struggle. Departed as a man under my own understanding. 

MISTAKE: 

I should have stayed an adolescent, listened a little more following the rules of my father and the Heavenly Father.

Conceived through lust, created with blissfulness. Raised by those seeking Gods forgiveness. Departed a sinner learning life’s lessons through my own conscious decisions.

LIFE LESSON:

Only to be hindered by blind love for long black hair and an accent. I should have stuck to my guns and pursued my own happiness. Defaulting to my lust for a foreign kiss. The path I chose to walk led me into years of frustration and confusion instead of blissful happiness.

FOLLOWING UP: 

Conceived through lust, born from love, innocents born into sin taught to seek Gods love. Departed brand new like morning dew. Searching for my second chance only to be snagged by my feelings a new. From this came a light, her tiny hands and feet gave my world all new insight. She was born innocent from two beginners, who thought they were doing everything they could to keep it together. Yet, separated here we stand, building her from the shared love we once had.

ACT 3:

Here I am again with passion in my heart. Her name mystery so hate cant play a part. Father I have ran this race twice in one life, I do not know what resides at the pinnacle but time sure does fly. I am waiting on you, for I feel this to be my last life line. King Solomon loved so his queen… He wrote hymns of her beauty, words so eloquent and flattering. I wish for the imagery.

My wounds leek when she speaks. Healing my soul inside out, so there is no need for disbelief. Honesty has always been the real key. There is a jones in my bones for a sister whose name I can’t speak. Revealing these thoughts to her could kill the dream. I can’t tell her yet but she could easily make me take a knee. “Don’t jump!” shouts the old me, you made this move before and the chest game was over within three. This time I’ll wait, sit back, watch, and use my third eye to see. Waiting for the universe to answer this long plea so my energy can remain centered around balancing me. 

God healed my heart to prepare my soul for she.

 

SHARDS

Late nights I stare into the dark watching the void transform to show my mistakes.

I slip into the darkness of pain, cold hands and feet, eyes glossed over.

The blood flow seems to stop at my heart… only shards remain.

Broken, held together by hope and desire to find…

The flame has long died but sparks remain

Floating like ashes in the wind waiting to catch again.

Knowing what one desires with no clue how to acquire, the madness begins to devour.

The shards become daggers, thinking becomes savage, love does not matter.

As time elapse’s the transformation becomes my pleasure.

Releasing negative vibes like tentacle’s draining those that surround me.

I loathed the pain, knowing it’s the only way to feel again.

Love….. can you save me

Your Worth

How often do we short change ourselves to align with someone else? Drop the cost of our services, discount our bodies as product, or give more of our time than planned to appease the individuals we are negotiating with. Do they respect your boundaries, listen when you speak, give of themselves on equal or above terms?

Don’t allow people to diminish  your value through selfishness. Dont think less of yourself to make those around you comfortable. Dont discount yourself or service’s because of a sob story. Your heart isn’t for sale. Along with your morals, faith, loyalties, goals and dreams. Never sale yourself short.

At the end of the day, when you look in the mirror, you will feel much more accomplished if everything you stand for was not pushed aside as you acquire success.. 

DISCOVERING MYSELF

     Here is a easy not easy question for you, Do you know yourself? Now, majority of individuals will blurt out “Yes” right out the gate but I implore you to dig a little deeper. The molding of my character began in my youthful ages, before I had opinions and goals. Others burdened me with opinion’s of what they felt were best for my future. When I first challenged myself to discover who I was, my emotions overwhelmed me. It was after a long hot shower when I found myself staring into a foggy mirror and I felt my temperature rise. My right eye was twitching (happens when I get upset) as I gripped the counter top. Probing for the person that had been suppressed years ago and it was actually very intense… lets dive in. 

Have you carved out time in your life to discover yourself?

     I had the blessing of being home schooled in my younger years by my mother. Educated in the comfort of a familiar space I knew to be safe, loving and judgment free. Where my teacher had the upmost patience because she sincerely loved and cared about me.  When it was time for me enroll in public school it was a drastic mind change. All of sudden, I had to be a “good student” in a bland room with uniformed desks surrounded by other children I’ve never met in my life “welcome to public schooling” that looked nothing like my two sisters or mother.

     There was no comfort, no warmth, no support or true concern. Just learn the lesson and move on to the next dry class room. Grade school was a living nightmare for me. My brain was defragmented and I was reprogramed into a system where everyone learned the same things, did the same things and individualism was frowned upon. I was becoming another cog in the wheel, it was no wonder I hated school. Middle and High  school felt liked being push through a cookie cutter (suppressed) until I graduated. But there was always College right? Nowhere in my twelve years of public schooling did anyone sit me down and ask who I was. Truly, the only concern was to graduate.

Public schooling is a factory. You go in an Individual and you come out a product.

     I wanted to be an animator, my passion for the arts was always strong and my parents said it was the gift I was blessed with. I wish someone had informed my college professors in my first year. I was so excited about college; it was the first time in my life I would be able to study and partake in courses’ that truly resonated with me. The hype was real until it wasn’t. I didn’t get the memo it seemed, the only way to succeed in the art world was to create the content you were directed to. You could do things you’re way after you graduated. Wait, but it’s my money paying for these classes yet I can’t draw, paint, write, illustrate or speak the way I feel? I thought art was about free expression. Hmmm… another part of me had been suppressed.

     So my last hope of identifying myself was within my relationships. I grew up watching my mother and father, this amazing couple who have such a rich and emotional story. I might tell their tale in the future but for now, they married at nineteen on May 03, 1982. I opened my eyes May 23, 1982 as the first of four children. I watched my parents endure every struggle you could think of pull through it even stronger. That strength laid the foundation of what I wanted my relationships to be modeled after. So imagine how heart crushing it was when I found myself divorced. Few weeks shy of my second anniversary to a woman I dated since my senior year of high school. This tragedy was followed up by a second rocky marriage and a second divorce two and a half years’ after the birth of my only child. Here I was broken, depressed, feeling lost and grim with defeat. Everything I knew myself to be had failed me. I was now fully submerged in what I and my close friends call the “Gravel Pit” I couldn’t see any way out of this dark place. 

     The Reset Button

                Four to five months I slept in the guess room of my friend’s mother’s home feeling broken, ashamed, and depressed but still pushing trying to make sense of it all. Within this time frame I had been informed the company I was working for had been bought out.  Now I was not only getting divorced for the second time I was also going to be unemployed within a few months. The vehicle I was driving was giving me major issues, and I wasn’t able to see my daughter as much as I would have liked.

Fast forward and I now have an apartment, new job, and in all reality this was the first time I had ever lived on my own. There were no attachment to a partner, I was free of everything. Why was I depressed still, drowning in darkness letting go of the morals I had stood on all my life, why? The answer: I didn’t know how to live for myself. I didn’t know how to be a single man with no attachments. This was the defining moment for me. The light bulb not only lit up, it blew every fuse in my system. I was “RESET”.

Needless to say the next two years were amazing. My growth as a man doubled, I experienced new things, became a gym rat, hung out at Bars for the first time, played  the field and met new people. I also learned what my flaws were via self-help and motivational books, therapy and conversation. My eyes were opened and I felt rejuvenated. I made the choice to put myself first and that one decision changed me     for the better.

                Learn to love Yourself

If you leave with anything from this canvas of words let it be this. Don’t let too much time pass by before you make an effort to learn who you really are and what you really love. Three key points that helped me were, discovering what mad me happy and removing the things that did not add to my happiness. Admitting my flaws and trying to change the bad habits I had. I found something to identify with which made me feel like I was part of something greater then myself.  Learn how to love yourself and appreciate the simple things in life. Time is a precious commodity we can’t get back…  Use it wisely.

Thanks for the time you have given me today… Sincerely

 

 

 

Above The Clouds

If God gave me wings to fly I wouldn’t take to the sky.

Instead I’d ask for another pair and deliver them to you no matter where.

Asking you to join me above clouds so we could be free to love for a while.

Aloof from the world to look into each other’s eyes.

Feeling each other’s hearts while feeding our souls.

Examine one another’s minds for compatibility and goals.

Enjoying the breeze, the warmth of the sun at 70,000 ft.

No one could ever see with their two eyes or feel with their hands and feet how much you mean to me.

when were in the same room I can feel your spirit dance with me.

 

Dedicated to my wife

Reasons

It’s 5:03 in the morning and I am wide awake with random thoughts running through my mind. A very disturbing image continues to pop into my head after many failed attempts to have a good night’s rest. Due to this, my brain went into search mode trying to calculate reasoning for my thinking and visualizing these images of situations and people that I “let go” of so long ago. The mind is a tricky tool you see, and sometimes we have to realize that our thoughts are not always our own.

This year has been a long one for me, but we will get into that later. For now just know I finally re-committed myself to a new relationship with my now beautiful wife, after a very hard and challenging divorce (another topic we will discuss) that turned my entire world upside down; depleted of gravity, oxygen, rhyme or reason. Picture a snow globe in the hands of a kid hyper because he ate all the candy he found in his trick or treat bag a month after Halloween. Yea, he is  going HAM trying to shake the damn figurine from the glue. This is the reality that I call my life and that’s been the past 4 years of it. Even now I am still feeling the affects every now and then.  However, I told myself I would learn from those heartaches and pains and inform, not just myself, but also figure out how to help my fellow brothers so that they wouldn’t have to walk that path, which is why I made the decision to start blogging.

So with that being said, to all those who will read, listen and partake in conversation with me. Welcome to my blog. We will go far and wide into many layers of conversation on a multitude of topics. Throughout this journey I hope to learn from every encounter just as much as I hope to help every single person these words jump off the screen too.

Welcome to Mind, Spirit & Man… shall we begin..

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Drop a comment and let me know you’re reasons for pushing through your challenges. For those who are haveing trouble jumping this hurdle lets talk about it. If your comfortable with this leave a comment also or email me at mindspiritman@gmail.com