What If ?

What If?

Two words when spoken that send the brain into a query of hypothetical. Alternate realities are then created in the brain based on the life choices previously made. Spinning up the imagination engine like a turbo, revealing the barrage of thoughts that you flip through trying to see what could have possibly been your present. Yet these options were on the table at some point but over looked for whatever reason at the time.

Example; What if I listened to my father and pursued a trade instead of going to college? This decision which was so important to me could have altered my entire life and how I am currently living now.

I am going to run a few hypotheticals by you and stay open minded.

Side note; these “What If’s” are built around society and social connection.

What if, in order for an individual to become successful in life, one would be required to be a paragon of decency to other individuals at a minimum?

What if, an individual’s interactions with others were based off how that said person treated others?

What if, an individual’s profession was granted based on how selfless or selfish of a person they were?

What if, an individual’s salary or wage earned was indeed based off how generous one was with their time and resources?

What if, the way Love or affection were granted reflected from how an individual loved or showed affection, if any at all to others?

What if, the paths’ available to create a decent future were based off the deeds and merit of your parents?

What if, our soul mates were decided using the actions and re-actions given from previous relationships prior too?

What if, the status of your elder years were based off how you treated the elderly in your youthful life?

The world isn’t fare and normally those who do not plan ahead or at minimum have a plan end up on the struggle bus. As a body of individuals it sometimes appears everyone is out for themselves and I can’t help but wonder, what happened to the passion of community. Why do we look down on those who wish to uplift others or inquire their motives?

What if, is a big question that leads down a rabbit hole of unanswered possibilities for most, regret for others and satisfaction a few may enjoy. The point to all this is simple, make choices in life that you are satisfied with, have no regrets later down the line. I doubt you want to be at the point of moving from this level to the next and wishing you had or had not done a few choice things. We only have one life and there are no do overs or a reset button that I know of, by all means enjoy the time you are granted.

Stay Blessed, Namaste

 

Sunday Morning Thoughts

Do you ever wake feeling lost, as if nothing you have accomplished is worth anything? Like all the hard work was for nothing – you can see the progress yet it feels like you are standing still and everything around you is moving forward with out you? Today I woke with these thoughts and image’s swimming within me like silver fish of doubt and depression dragging me to darkness.

Depression is a monster waiting to devour happiness and glee, snatching accomplishments and blocking them from site. Its always lurking in the corner waiting for me. It’s the creepy guy in the alley that I walk past on my way to school who calls me. I ignore it. In My past life I gave in and listened to that voice, and allowed it to subdue me. Walking in darkness for days until the mood changed.

Now I write. I haven’t written on this format in over a year. Even though I have so much to say and get out, I choose not to place these thoughts out into the cyber world. Why, why haven’t I wrote on this platform? Fear. Fear of being judged, or attacked. Fear of offending someone, hurting someone’s feelings, or getting into a disagreement. Today’s society has gotten so touchy that just writing to avoid being depressed is a double take in fear of causing or being pulled into more trouble then needed.

Forgive my ramblings all in all don’t listen to the creepy guy in the ally, don’t answer the voices coming out of the dark corners. They mean you no good, all pain, mental frustrations and confusion. Stay the course of happiness, love, light, and enjoyment. Take the small wins and over time theyʼll all add up. Move in silence and don’t allow people to distract you from your goals. Push yourself to be better everyday and if you are struggling please seek out professional help or just talk to someone who is willing to listen and genuinely cares.

Stay Blessed

Random Thought #1

Wait wait wait, let me explain:
I am an artist which means I see the world through a different light, my energy reads on a wave length that most can’t understand. I speak from an emotional spirit with a logical yet soul searching mind frame. I love deep and burn with passion. Rather it be love or hate, compassion or anger, forgiveness or vengeance, I have no middle ground.

Im loyal to the point of destruction, I’ll wound myself before I abandon someone I love. I’m invested in those around me and wish to see them elevate to their highest peek and beyond. Im my own worse critic and hate to fail. Giving solid eye opening advise based off my life lessons and wisdom aquired yet more times then often finding it difficult to heed it myself. Born under the sign of the Gemini with Taurus throwing a dash of stubbornness is the stew. Yo I wake up different everyday.

Looking in the mirror, swiming on a wave of thoughts not safe to deliver to the ears of most… yet they slip out sometimes before I can catch them. I accept my flaws and work hard to better myself. I know who I am…….. can you say the same?

Mi Madre

You are the vessel God choose to create my life, to direct my soul towards the light.
Your Smile, Warmth, Love, Passion, obsession with keeping us close and connected, the glue to our family without any question. Father made us men through the physical lessons, yet your wild warrior’s spirit fuels our blood like an old Indian ritual.

Mother you taught me how to love a woman through actions not words. Treat others how you wish to be treated and know your worth. Placing our Heavenly father above all else, never have I seen you be greedy or needy or choose yourself. Sacrifice is what you’ve given from the moment you said “I DO” …..too you know who, he will get his shine, but today is about you.

I smile when I see you and dad happy enjoying your life, you both have given so much to so many, most of you’re lives have been a sacrifice. Truly blessed we all have been to be reared by you, thank you mother for I can never repay all that you do. I promise to teach my daughters every lesson I’ve learned, so they can grow to be confident, fearless and strong. Molding them to be a better version of themselves every day.

Thank you for always listening when I speak, hearing what my heart is saying when my words are minced and bleak.

Thank you for speaking positive energy into my life, helping me through the dark times, the trials and strife.

Thank you for praying for us even when we don’t ask, for the packages you send the kids and the quirky stuff you pack.

Thank you for always having an open heart and open mind, never shutting down dream, goals, ideas, or thoughts of the mind.

MOM you are the number one lady in my life, I wouldn’t be here without you, but I wouldn’t be me if it wasn’t for you allowing God to guide and move within you.  You are an amazing woman and I love you.

Thank you

Happy Mothers Day to Mi Madre.

 

Her Essence

February 1st 2017 I watched you approach slowly, nerves shattered with shaking hands, tears in your eyes while you’re father held your arm, gracefully entwined with his own. Speaking words of love and pride I can only assume as you were given away from him (the man who loves you and played a major part in giving you life) to me. (a man who would give his own life to make sure no harm ever fell upon you).

I never imagined I would end up marrying the girl I had a crush on in high school. The idea of being able to come home every night to someone that makes me feel like nothing in the world matters when we are together seems unfair. “Truly blessed” defines the emotional surge of energy that runs ramped throughout my soul every time you look at me, damn those delicious brown eyes. The playful spirit harbored within you melts away at my stern core. The free feeling of laughter bellowing from within your voice, shatters the mask I carry on my face to fend off the world. Honey you have helped make me a better man in this life time, I’m grateful to the universe and the heavens for you

The journey came fully equipped with bumps and bruises as the “to be continued” phrase flashes upon the screen at the end of every episode. This is a life sentence, Yet im confident we can and will pull each other through the bad times to keep looking at the horizon for the happiness and love we both seek. Carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders and still pulling baggage making a life worth living. Mi amor the strength you hold within is worthy of praise. Allowing me to help with the loads, carry the luggage, push over and break down the walls. No small feat these were, having to Prove myself every step of the way, showing myself a man deserving of your time. Glad I did not disappoint.

Every time I open your door, pull out your chair, buy gifts, and write words of endearment. Its me telling you thank you for not just loving me (the new me and the old broken me) but allowing me to show you, real love does still exist. Good men still roam the earth, not on horse back with shiny plated armor and broad swords defending the weak or less fortunate but, standing firm with morals, values and a code of honor. These traits are within my DNA, as long as I draw breath I will love you Queen.

The journey we call marriage is not one for the faint of hearts, weak minded or easily swayed souls. Thank you for committing to this. Thank you for this year of listening, learning, changing, pushing and developing. Thank you for trying and making an effort to be the best wife you can at this point in time.

Happy Anniversary Queen.

Perception 

In middle school, I once played in a timed chess tournament. Although I was a rookie to the game, I knew the basics and had a solid idea of the concept with simple strategies. My opponent (who’s name nore face I can remember) beat me in under three minutes. Three minutes! It takes five minutes to cook Uncle Ben’s Quick Rice. This means he still had two minutes left to grab a bowl, a spoon (or fork which ever you prefer), and wait for the “ding” to sit and eat. Yet, I shook his hand and walked away from the table with no grit about it. The question is why? Why didn’t this loss inflict a death blow to my pride? All those hours of practice and dedication of learning how to maneuver a board of light and shaded squares pushing against one another as if good and evil were competing for the same living space, only to lose in under three minutes. Why was the 13 year old version of myself not upset? I never once thought he cheated or it wasnt a fair game, nor was I a bad strategist. I told myself that next time, it will be 5 minutes before I get up from that table. Thats right! Uncle Ben’s rice would have to wait on me next time. 

In perspective, I didn’t loose. Instead, I learned how to fight a little longer, which moves not to make and what to look for. Every time I lost a game I still walked away with a win. It just depends on how you look at it. I did not show myself as a sore loser because of the perspective my brain applied the situation under.

Focus on what you gain, which is what you win from the loss. This perspective of the win could solve issues, settle debates, reveal life lessons, indicate outcomes, and rectify problems if you reprogram the way you perceive the situations you are faced with. If you have read my third blog post (third from the bottom) then you can gather I have been divorced twice in this life time. Yet I have been blessed to have a beautiful wife whom I am indeed happily married with and getting ready to celebrate our first anniversary. Woooo!!! Now lets go for another year and see how far we can make it. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. We as individuals need to understand that bad things happen BUT good things come from those moments of bad which majority of the time lead to better situations. 

Prime example: I wrote this blog on my cell phone because my computer called it quits. I could be upset, piss and moan and let that negative energy keep me from sailing the wave of international data streams denying you a fairly good read. Or I could just grab my phone, throw on my warm robe, have a drink and type away. Diligently looking to make sure the right buttons or “images” of buttons are being selected do to my big thumbs and this small space of a touch screen.

In the end, be conscious of how you receive the situations you are in and how you react. Never perceive a situation as a total loss, since personally I feel we can always gain something from every lossing, winning or down right breaking even situation. 

Act 3

I was born from lovers. Raised in struggle. Departed as a man under my own understanding. 

MISTAKE: 

I should have stayed an adolescent, listened a little more following the rules of my father and the Heavenly Father.

Conceived through lust, created with blissfulness. Raised by those seeking Gods forgiveness. Departed a sinner learning life’s lessons through my own conscious decisions.

LIFE LESSON:

Only to be hindered by blind love for long black hair and an accent. I should have stuck to my guns and pursued my own happiness. Defaulting to my lust for a foreign kiss. The path I chose to walk led me into years of frustration and confusion instead of blissful happiness.

FOLLOWING UP: 

Conceived through lust, born from love, innocents born into sin taught to seek Gods love. Departed brand new like morning dew. Searching for my second chance only to be snagged by my feelings a new. From this came a light, her tiny hands and feet gave my world all new insight. She was born innocent from two beginners, who thought they were doing everything they could to keep it together. Yet, separated here we stand, building her from the shared love we once had.

ACT 3:

Here I am again with passion in my heart. Her name mystery so hate cant play a part. Father I have ran this race twice in one life, I do not know what resides at the pinnacle but time sure does fly. I am waiting on you, for I feel this to be my last life line. King Solomon loved so his queen… He wrote hymns of her beauty, words so eloquent and flattering. I wish for the imagery.

My wounds leek when she speaks. Healing my soul inside out, so there is no need for disbelief. Honesty has always been the real key. There is a jones in my bones for a sister whose name I can’t speak. Revealing these thoughts to her could kill the dream. I can’t tell her yet but she could easily make me take a knee. “Don’t jump!” shouts the old me, you made this move before and the chest game was over within three. This time I’ll wait, sit back, watch, and use my third eye to see. Waiting for the universe to answer this long plea so my energy can remain centered around balancing me. 

God healed my heart to prepare my soul for she.

 

SHARDS

Late nights I stare into the dark watching the void transform to show my mistakes.

I slip into the darkness of pain, cold hands and feet, eyes glossed over.

The blood flow seems to stop at my heart… only shards remain.

Broken, held together by hope and desire to find…

The flame has long died but sparks remain

Floating like ashes in the wind waiting to catch again.

Knowing what one desires with no clue how to acquire, the madness begins to devour.

The shards become daggers, thinking becomes savage, love does not matter.

As time elapse’s the transformation becomes my pleasure.

Releasing negative vibes like tentacle’s draining those that surround me.

I loathed the pain, knowing it’s the only way to feel again.

Love….. can you save me

Your Worth

How often do we short change ourselves to align with someone else? Drop the cost of our services, discount our bodies as product, or give more of our time than planned to appease the individuals we are negotiating with. Do they respect your boundaries, listen when you speak, give of themselves on equal or above terms?

Don’t allow people to diminish  your value through selfishness. Dont think less of yourself to make those around you comfortable. Dont discount yourself or service’s because of a sob story. Your heart isn’t for sale. Along with your morals, faith, loyalties, goals and dreams. Never sale yourself short.

At the end of the day, when you look in the mirror, you will feel much more accomplished if everything you stand for was not pushed aside as you acquire success.. 

DISCOVERING MYSELF

     Here is a easy not easy question for you, Do you know yourself? Now, majority of individuals will blurt out “Yes” right out the gate but I implore you to dig a little deeper. The molding of my character began in my youthful ages, before I had opinions and goals. Others burdened me with opinion’s of what they felt were best for my future. When I first challenged myself to discover who I was, my emotions overwhelmed me. It was after a long hot shower when I found myself staring into a foggy mirror and I felt my temperature rise. My right eye was twitching (happens when I get upset) as I gripped the counter top. Probing for the person that had been suppressed years ago and it was actually very intense… lets dive in. 

Have you carved out time in your life to discover yourself?

     I had the blessing of being home schooled in my younger years by my mother. Educated in the comfort of a familiar space I knew to be safe, loving and judgment free. Where my teacher had the upmost patience because she sincerely loved and cared about me.  When it was time for me enroll in public school it was a drastic mind change. All of sudden, I had to be a “good student” in a bland room with uniformed desks surrounded by other children I’ve never met in my life “welcome to public schooling” that looked nothing like my two sisters or mother.

     There was no comfort, no warmth, no support or true concern. Just learn the lesson and move on to the next dry class room. Grade school was a living nightmare for me. My brain was defragmented and I was reprogramed into a system where everyone learned the same things, did the same things and individualism was frowned upon. I was becoming another cog in the wheel, it was no wonder I hated school. Middle and High  school felt liked being push through a cookie cutter (suppressed) until I graduated. But there was always College right? Nowhere in my twelve years of public schooling did anyone sit me down and ask who I was. Truly, the only concern was to graduate.

Public schooling is a factory. You go in an Individual and you come out a product.

     I wanted to be an animator, my passion for the arts was always strong and my parents said it was the gift I was blessed with. I wish someone had informed my college professors in my first year. I was so excited about college; it was the first time in my life I would be able to study and partake in courses’ that truly resonated with me. The hype was real until it wasn’t. I didn’t get the memo it seemed, the only way to succeed in the art world was to create the content you were directed to. You could do things you’re way after you graduated. Wait, but it’s my money paying for these classes yet I can’t draw, paint, write, illustrate or speak the way I feel? I thought art was about free expression. Hmmm… another part of me had been suppressed.

     So my last hope of identifying myself was within my relationships. I grew up watching my mother and father, this amazing couple who have such a rich and emotional story. I might tell their tale in the future but for now, they married at nineteen on May 03, 1982. I opened my eyes May 23, 1982 as the first of four children. I watched my parents endure every struggle you could think of pull through it even stronger. That strength laid the foundation of what I wanted my relationships to be modeled after. So imagine how heart crushing it was when I found myself divorced. Few weeks shy of my second anniversary to a woman I dated since my senior year of high school. This tragedy was followed up by a second rocky marriage and a second divorce two and a half years’ after the birth of my only child. Here I was broken, depressed, feeling lost and grim with defeat. Everything I knew myself to be had failed me. I was now fully submerged in what I and my close friends call the “Gravel Pit” I couldn’t see any way out of this dark place. 

     The Reset Button

                Four to five months I slept in the guess room of my friend’s mother’s home feeling broken, ashamed, and depressed but still pushing trying to make sense of it all. Within this time frame I had been informed the company I was working for had been bought out.  Now I was not only getting divorced for the second time I was also going to be unemployed within a few months. The vehicle I was driving was giving me major issues, and I wasn’t able to see my daughter as much as I would have liked.

Fast forward and I now have an apartment, new job, and in all reality this was the first time I had ever lived on my own. There were no attachment to a partner, I was free of everything. Why was I depressed still, drowning in darkness letting go of the morals I had stood on all my life, why? The answer: I didn’t know how to live for myself. I didn’t know how to be a single man with no attachments. This was the defining moment for me. The light bulb not only lit up, it blew every fuse in my system. I was “RESET”.

Needless to say the next two years were amazing. My growth as a man doubled, I experienced new things, became a gym rat, hung out at Bars for the first time, played  the field and met new people. I also learned what my flaws were via self-help and motivational books, therapy and conversation. My eyes were opened and I felt rejuvenated. I made the choice to put myself first and that one decision changed me     for the better.

                Learn to love Yourself

If you leave with anything from this canvas of words let it be this. Don’t let too much time pass by before you make an effort to learn who you really are and what you really love. Three key points that helped me were, discovering what mad me happy and removing the things that did not add to my happiness. Admitting my flaws and trying to change the bad habits I had. I found something to identify with which made me feel like I was part of something greater then myself.  Learn how to love yourself and appreciate the simple things in life. Time is a precious commodity we can’t get back…  Use it wisely.

Thanks for the time you have given me today… Sincerely